"You gotta get me past this"

Born in 1987, I was a privileged kid. I went to private school, was a member of a country club and played in all the sports I wanted to. Somewhere along the way, I developed a sense of entitlement. As a teenager, I believe pornography introduced shame that turned into frustration and anger because, I immediately started to get into it with my parents constantly. Alcohol and weed started at age 15. I stole a lot, more out of sport than necessity. I was arrested a bunch, 3 times for DUI. In one night, as a juvenile, I racked up 7 felony charges.

In 2007, in accordance with the theme, I woke up one morning, tipsy from the night before, late for court for a burglary charge. It was raining and it was the end of rush hour. That day, I learned about rear wheel drive on wet pavement. I made a move into the left lane on the highway and the '95 T-bird's rear end kicked out, fishtailed. I slammed head on into the guardrail going nearly 100 mph. I was in and out of consciousness. I would later hear they pried me out of the car with the jaws of life. I remember coming to for a moment and seeing my hand and two-thirds of my forearm dangling by a piece of skin. The way I had my driving arm extended into the wheel at impact, it snapped like a twig. After a month and 5 surgeries at the hospital, back at home, I thanked God for my life. But, that's all I said.

In 2008, staying in a house with 3 roommates, I got everyone arrested after stirring up some more nonsense on the road. Cops showed up to the house and saw weed (before it was legal). After this, with discretion in mind, we would smoke out of sight in a single room, adjacent to the basement garage, separate from the main basement. So, once again, I woke up tipsy one morning, played some Call of Duty and decided to smoke. Not only would we smoke in this closet room but, we put the pipe in between the cushion and the arm of this '80's corduroy couch. Well, the cherry was still lit. Upstairs and distracted by the video game, most of the couch was on fire by the time I got to it. We didn't have a hose so I grabbed a blanket. I was somewhat able to pick the couch up while it was completely on fire but unable to maneuver it through the entryway back into the garage and out of the house. My clothes and face were completely black. By the time firefighters put the fire out almost everything was ruined except the frame of the house. What wasn't ruined smelled like smoke for years. I was decent enough to wake up my roommate. We got the cat and the dog out but, the cat was scared and ran back inside under the bed and died from the smoke. An insurance company sent me a letter that said "please make a check payable for $305,000.00 to (insurance company)." To add fuel to the fire, so to speak, in regards to my self-esteem, I hired a lawyer whose sole focus was to make me look as worthless as possible concerning my potential in life to come to a favorable settlement. He did well. The insurance company settled for $5,000. On my way to the hospital after the fire, I thanked God for my life again. But again, that's all I said.

I thought appearance was important and was self-conscious of the scar on my arm. I felt like an idiot for ruining all of my friend's stuff and killing the cat. I had lost my license so, I quit my job that was a 30 minute drive away. I had a couple thousand to live on from online poker. I spent my days with vodka, weed, porn, video games and my own bad company. I was becoming a recluse and quickly developing all of the negative character traits listed here.  https://www.aaonlineen.fr/LiteratureEN/STEP%20FOUR%20DOCS/SeparateFiles/Step4Guidance.pdf When I found this resource earlier this year I started to check off the traits in the first column. Eventually I would just put a line through the other two columns because, at one point or another, I exhibited all of these negative traits. Please click the link and scan them. They defined who I was and it will paint a better picture of what's happening here. These traits would only get worse. I was spiraling downward rapidly.

For the next two years I would continue my negative self talk which eventually expanded into a disdain and resentment toward others. Full time mental chaos and calamity. I had become an emotional and psychological trainwreck of (just to name a few of the traits) despair, depression, anxiety, desperation, obsession, jealousy, addiction, anger, blame, resentment, relational drama and fear, constantly dramatizing and catastrophizing everything. One night, in 2010, I was simply lying down in bed but, my heart was pounding and racing like I had just ran a mile. That's the best way I can describe it. But it doesn't really compare because, exercise feels good. This was an ache. It was complete agony, turmoil and anguish, spiritually, mentally, psychologically, and now physically. Drama causing trauma. My own thoughts had filled my heart with hate. I was a soul possessed by Satan. That's when I prayed for my heart. I said to God, "You gotta get me past this."

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It didn't take long to remember that I had thanked God twice, relatively recently, for sparing my life. This time, instead of writing a half-hearted thank you note to God, I was faced with a decision. Outside the fleeting thought of self harm, I could keep doing it my way, alone, or believe in God. Doing it my way led to the deepest pit of misery so, it wasn't much of a choice. I decided to try God.

Within the next couple weeks two books and a movie fell into my lap. One person gracious enough to put up with me, as I began my climb out of Hell on earth, was my neighbor at the apartment complex where I stayed. He gave me a book called The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield. 

The book talks about how we are in a constant exchange of energy. We should not look to engage excessively in the give and take of energy with other people, but rather, attain it from a higher source of energy. I was a toxic storm of negative energy creating drama in my head about everything and everyone, with an obsession for a person and had no belief in a higher source of power. I was the epitome of misplaced fear.

The same neighbor also gave me Zen Heart: Simple Advice for Living with Mindfulness and Compassion by Ezra Bayda. The theme of this book is to be present with attention. To live in the moment. I was far from in the moment. I was stuck in the past and living in a fantasy.

The book teaches how focusing on breathing reduces stress and fosters awareness. It teaches to recognize the sacredness of every experience. Difficult experiences are to be viewed as teachers. 

Then, one day, on cable TV, the movie Se7en came on. Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt play detectives investigating a serial killer carrying out murders based on the seven deadly sins. After watching that, the thought that followed was something like, "Oh, that's what I'VE been doing" (The sins, not the physical murdering). To touch on each of the seven, I was a compulsive thief, drinking to excess almost daily, addicted to porn, self-conscious of my scar, jealous, lazy, and mad at everyone and everything. Sin is a slippery slope that starts with one thing. Then they feed off of each other, amplifying one another into a snowball of destruction. About the only thing I immediately cut off cold turkey was the stealing, not to say I wasn't still greedy. 

The books and movie... coincidence?

Eventually, some other neighbors warmed up to me and offered me a ride to a telemarketing job, raising money for police, firefighters, veterans and missing children. I thought I was going to get rich playing online poker. God had other plans. I was forced back into society in order to pay bills, ripping the band-aid off, straight from being a recluse into sales. Remember all the negative character traits. The fear. When I sat down for my first call with both bosses standing right behind me, I was terrified. When the person on the other end hung up on me, I wanted to quit. But, the bosses walked away. And I was broke. So, I took another call. 

I was introduced to personal development and people skills material like Dale Carnegie in late 2011 and started reading in between calls. Eventually I would work my way into a consistent top 5/ top 10 producing caller in a 50 person office. From there I would sell advertising, insurance, Kirbys, newspaper subscriptions, doors and windows, and hot tubs. I was promoted in one month at Kirby and 6 weeks with the newspaper circulation company. In 2018, the 2nd to last year before Covid effectively ended the market for our services in St. Louis, I sold 2,358 subscriptions, good for top 3 out of 300 sales reps companywide. Let's remember where I was here leading up to that moment in 2010. I was a full-blown Karen. An emotional dumpster fire with no self control. One time I made a post on Facebook that simply read "If you aren't family, you can f*** off". All the negative character traits and hatred for everyone. Friendless. Drama. You've heard of socially awkward. I was socially unacceptable. My best day in newspapers I sold 45 subscriptions. I made $1,000 in a day selling rags and did it by having fun with people. A transformation is taking place. I was nothing before I prayed. I can't take credit for any of this, except one thing. I believed.

I believed in God but, He can't fix a problem that we don't want to address. I was getting better, but was still steeped in many of those character flaws, and masked the emotions with substances. Some of you may remember AOL Instant Messenger (AIM) from the early 2000's. My screenname in high school was "StOnEd Or DrUnK." I've probably been one of those things more than I've been sober since age 15 (now 38). I've been in sales for most of the past 15 years. I could put on an act, perform and sell but, at night, I would self-medicate. Any reason at all is one to drink, good or bad. If I had a rude customer, "I gotta drink tonight." Or, if I got my 10 sales (which was every day),  "I'm gonna celebrate tonight." When Covid hit, I cut myself off from the world, dipping back into reclusiveness, and benders started. 3-4 days of drinking about a fifth a day, which were followed by 3-4 day hangovers. Once you believe in God, he gifts you with a conscience. This actually makes addictions worse because, as you destroy the temple of your body He has given you, you must keep the drunk and high going and with more intensity to try to shut Him up. But, when you sober up, not only do you have to deal with the hangover, but your conscience on top of it.

Alcohol and drug abuse is just a symptom of an underlying problem in thinking. Trauma needs to be processed through introspection, meditation, prayer and counsel of peers. This year I discovered an enormous piece to the puzzle in psychological healing that I hadn't done and was masking with vices. A series of events led me to stoicism, which, second to God has served as the best source of information in this journey. Stoicism is an ancient Greek philosophy focused on living a virtuous life by cultivating reason and self-control to overcome destructive emotions. Key tenets include objectively viewing the world, differentiating between what is and is not within our control, and accepting the natural order of the universe. It is a practical philosophy that encourages resilience, gratitude, and a life lived in harmony with one's own rational nature and the wider world. Stoicism distinguishes between a reaction, which is an automatic, emotion-driven impulse, and a response, which is a poised, deliberate, reasoned action. Through stoicism, I would come to learn about the "shadow" and the "mirror". These are concepts that can be integrated by recognizing and confronting negative emotions and repressed aspects of the self, rather than suppressing them. The shadow is the repressed self. The mirror is something that reveals it, which could be a person, event or circumstance. 

•  Epictetus. (2008). Discourses and selected writings (R. Hard, Trans.). Oxford University Press.
•  Aurelius, M. (2014). Meditations (M. Hammond, Trans.). Penguin Classics. 
•  Seneca, L. A. (2015). Letters from a stoic (R. Campbell, Trans.). Penguin Classics.

It was around the same time I started going to AA, where the serenity prayer is frequently referred to. -God, grant me the serenity to accept what cannot be changed, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I also saw this on a whiteboard at an AA meeting. "Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. When I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation, some fact of my life, unacceptable to me and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it's supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Change my attitude, not the world." Between stoicism and AA there was a theme trending. Control only what you can, your mind, not outside events.

Concurrent to the learning of stoic principles, I was working through the 12 step program. I learned at an AA meeting that the 12 steps were actually derived from the 6 steps of Oxford for spiritual self-improvement:  1. A Complete deflation. 2. Dependence on God. 3. A Moral inventory. 4. Confession. 5. Restitution. 6. Continued work with others in need. I was in most need of performing a moral inventory of those character defects. The same link I provided above also has a list of fears and resentments that are covered when doing a moral inventory. In stoic terms, I needed to uncover my shadow and confront it. I believe anyone, addict or not, would benefit from working through a step program to uncover something that you could improve upon. If you feel like something is holding you back in life, simply remove the word alcohol from the language in the steps, and plug in your vice. The first step is, "We admitted we were powerless over -(insert vice or character defect)- that our lives had become unmanageable."

Stoicism also led me to information about the anxious and avoidant attachment styles. The anxious seeks closeness and the avoidant seeks independence. There is a push pull cycle that is common in relationships. Attachment styles are developed in childhood through consistent interactions with primary caregivers that shape our expectations for safety and trust in relationships.

God's love and guidance, community, stoicism, AA and it's resources, information about attachment styles, and a commitment to inner work would lead me from a moment as the most miserable person on earth to healing and joy.

B.A.D.

Being broke is depressing. Depression is easier to suppress with addictions than to repair through introspection and inner work. When you're broke, buying a bottle and a bag is more feasible than taking a vacation or engaging in a more fulfilling form of recreation. The three of these things go hand in hand.

Depression:

Depression is the most debilitating. It creates an excuse to turn to substances and leads to a lack of productivity (broke). It is a result of those character flaws. A result of sin. Godlessness. A guilty conscience is the summation of depression. Guilt was perhaps the biggest factor in the debilitating anxiety I experienced. The conscience is a window into the soul. It communicates to you whether or not you are living righteously. You could Google an examination of conscience, which will take you through the Ten Commandments, go through the seven sins or review the character flaws. It's time to confront the emotions and sins you've been running from, your shadow, the source of your guilt, creating depression and anxiety.

"The devil does not bring sinners to hell with their eyes open: he first blinds them with the malice of their own sins, that we may not see the evil we do and the ruin we bring upon ourselves by offending God. After we commit sin, he seeks to make us dumb (silent), that, through shame, we may conceal our guilt in confession" (St. Alphonsus Liguori).

The sins are the devil tricking you. They are rooted in false pleasure instead of joy.  They are about self. They are focused on what you don't have and on the past, in fantasy, in nonsense, in things that are not in our control. Any time you are living in sin, in depression, you are essentially saying that you do not agree with God's plan. It's a lack of acceptance and a waste of time, plain and simple. They take you out of the moment and into fear and worry, anxiety about the future, depression about the past.

Excessive love: Lust Gluttony Greed

Deficient love: Sloth

Misdirected love: Wrath Envy Pride

In this section, I look to help the anxious (depressed) person realize the sources of their anxiety, while touching on how the sins feed off of one another. 

Envy

One of the most poisonous and blinding sins is envy, a sin of misdirected love. I will discuss it with more emphasis because of it's tie to relationships, creating a tremendous source of pain. It is incredibly destructive because it puts fear in a person instead of God, A misplacement of priority. It has the power to invoke the other 6 sins. I'll explain how it did for me in a minute. The condition of "heartbreak" is self-inflicted. Anxiety is born in fantasy. Always preoccupied with what someone else is doing. Worrying about something that is not in your control. You aren't in love with them. You are in love with the idea, a fantasy of them. Let us recall the themes of the first two books I read. Attain your energy from the higher power, not from other people. And learn to be present with attention. Envy is giving your mental energy to another person and an obsession that removes you from the present. It is a quick path to inner turmoil. If you are experiencing heartbreak, you are living in envy and need to confront it, while also handing the situation over to God. Because, this is a child of God you are feeling this way about. Envy is possessive and dehumanizing. This is a human being, not some object of your gratification.

Learning about the anxious/ avoidant attachment dynamic helped to make sense of things. When I discovered this information it was obvious that I had anxious attachment. I defined anxiety. I caused avoidance. I had no friends at all, let alone an intimate relationship. In fact, in pushing people away and isolating myself, I experienced the abandonment common to the background of the avoidant. So I displayed traits on both ends of the anxious/ avoidant spectrum. What a disaster. 

The comment sections under Youtube videos on this topic are littered with people pointing blame at avoidants and how "cold" they are. Avoidants have their own fears to address. I'm writing this for the person that is ready to take responsibility for their anxiety and heal.  Nobody else is to blame for YOUR anxiety. Unfortunately, I know many people are not ready to accept any responsibility. That would require admitting fault and subsequently a willingness to grow and change. They are only contributing to their self-destruction. Here are two comments from Youtube that served as some of the biggest inspiration for this project. I empathize with those that are hurting and it inspired me to share the healing I found.

1. "I'm sick of hearing about growing. I don't want to grow. I just want my girl back."

2. "Why does someone have to be punished for caring?"

To some readers, it may be obvious how backwards this mentality is. To some of you hurting, maybe you feel the same way these commenters do. They essentially are saying the same thing. They are both hyper-focused on a person, or more accurately, the lack of a person's presence.

Here are some logical thoughts that you can apply to relationships (or ones that have ended) to erase envy and find peace:

When your entire life revolves around someone else, YOU ARE BORING. Your pity party is people repellant. And you are giving not just this person "the ick", but everyone you are around. 

First and foremost, turn your attention away from them and towards God.

It's not the absence of someone that hurts, it's unresolved wounds. When you have properly healed you will reach a place where it doesn't matter if they are with you. You are whole and enough all by yourself. The emotionally healed or healthy person is in the third area of the attachment dynamic: Secure attachment or emotionally secure.

You entered this world without them and you will leave it without them. You can do it without them now. They are not oxygen.

If they don't want to be with you, why would you want to be with them. Unless of course, you are an anxiety-ridden mess like I was. If so, own it.

If you don't have them, they don't have you either. So, IF you are so worthy, then they are missing out. 

"There are plenty of fish in the sea" is more than a corny phrase. Adopt a mindset of abundance and gratitude vs scarcity and selfishness.

What if the other person is an anxious or avoidant that never heals and you waste your whole life waiting? Just heal yourself.

It might not be meant to be. Again, just heal yourself.

Don't put relationships on a timeline.

 Neediness repels. Sovereignty attracts.

Setting them free frees yourself. When you truly realize you are free without them, you'll understand they did you a favor. They are a mirror revealing your anxiety. Nobody owes you their love. Just be love yourself. 

There is nothing more unattractive than jealousy. If there was a time when the relationship was healthy and it grew apart, envy is likely at least part of the reason. The focus has to be love and gratitude. They might just be waiting/ hoping for you to pull your head out of your butt, and theirs. 

When I find my thoughts drifting off into the nonsense, into things I can't control, I think of Eminem's lyric "Snap back to reality."  Stop the fantasy. Claim your life back. "Touch grass." Pursue other relationships, social circles, business, physical fitness. Downloading dating apps may be helpful. Some of them are scams with fake profiles that reel you in to get you to pay, so be weary of this. The apps are not a direct method of healing, but will throw a wrench into the obsession pattern and can help you to develop an abundance mindset.

In listening to information about attachment styles, it's clear that avoidants are attracted to independence. To calm, composed, centered, grounded energy. To emotional neutrality, maturity and stability instead of emotional dependence. To energy that isn't seeking approval or validation. To stoic energy. But, at some point I thought, aren't all those things just attractive across the board, to everyone? 

Envy imprisoned me for a long time, but Satan, that idiot, took me too far down. He led me straight to his nemesis. I found God, who, in his timing, led me to the studies of stoicism and attachment theory. And, in turn, to my greatest freedom and peace. God uses evil for good. The best possible outcome was finding the tools to confront my shadow and do the inner work. This experience is transforming me into precisely the person and leader I have wanted to be for a long time. When you return to your authentic and genuine self, and are chasing a purpose instead of a person, not only will you find peace, you'll start to realize that attraction is a natural byproduct of living a fulfilled life. 

Wrath

Wrath is giving energy to a situation similar to envy. If the quarrel you have with a co-worker or family member, the stranger that cut you off in traffic, the person that owes you money, allows wrath and emotion to get the best of you, especially if you are plotting some kind of ridiculous revenge or wishing evil on them, you are only poisoning your own heart. 

I have a couple examples of how wrath creates a toxic preoccupation. In 2023, before the whole moral inventory chapter, I interviewed for a position selling solar panels. The guy was trashing his current sales reps immediately. That should have been a red flag. Within an hour of the interview, I talked to my parents who owned an office building in his territory, and had a potential sale brewing. But, a few days later, when I hadn't written my own script for HIS company, he called me a loser, hung up on me, then said a bunch of other things in a text. The same year, I took advantage of a timeshare deal that required me to listen to a pitch. Instead of buying a timeshare, I expressed an interest in working for the company, explaining some of my sales background to the new rep they assigned me to. But, when she called her manager over to talk to me and I said I wasn't interested in a time share, but perhaps, a job, she said, "Well, you must not be very good at sales if you don't have any money." We're talking about, on the low end, $40,000 for a time share... At the time I wanted to knock both of these people out. These events lived in my head for too long. I made up silly scenarios where I would return to the timeshare building and make a scene to sabotage a roomful of potential clients. The fantasy would get my heart racing. Anxiety brewing. Psycho Karen nonsense. Thinking about it is a massive waste of time. All it does is rob you of joy. I actually ran into the solar panel guy later on at a grocery store. When I reminded him who I was he invited me to "step outside". Then he turned to a nearby employee and told her to call the cops because I wanted to step outside. At the end of the day, I was giving space in my head to the biggest coward I've ever met. After doing inner work and reflection, I realized that these are miserable, prideful people, who would have been a nightmare to work for. 

Just something I've noticed, some of the biggest egos are in sales and medicine. But we all have them. Ego is everywhere and will tempt our anger. There are circumstances every day that will test our emotional maturity. You can react to these situations emotionally or respond to them with reason, acceptance and patience. Recognize drama and detach from it. They say laughter is the best medicine. It applies perfectly to these scenarios. Both of these people probably have a lot of money and not so many friends. And an ego battle is not going to inspire them to change instantly. When you're done laughing it off, pray for them. 

Another big part of wrath for me was being mad at myself for the things I did. Regret accomplishes nothing. Make amends. Forgive yourself and forgive others.

Greed

Call it Karma or reaping what you sow but, the acts you commit against people have consequences. I was garage hopping in high school, stealing beer from garage refrigerators , when a lady opened her door, saw me in her garage and screamed. I probably thought it was funny at the time. Three years ago, my catalytic converter was stolen while parked at a hotel. Not so funny. I had moved to a new neighborhood recently and spent weeks obsessively checking my cameras and worrying about my property and vehicles. I live at the end of a quiet street. It was an irrational fear. I finally realized the terror I had given that lady. When I would steal, I would find myself checking over my shoulder after the moment was well passed. More weight on the conscience. 

Here's one that combines wrath and greed. I remember losing hands in online poker where I would push blood into my face like a cartoon character when they get mad. After applying gratitude, it's pretty obvious the bad beats go both ways. The wrath and greed was just destroying the fun and enjoyment of the game. 

If you are reading this, you are alive. If you have food, clothing and shelter, that is enough. Stay ambitious but, count your blessings. Being content with what you currently have is mental freedom.

Pride

Edging God Out (E.G.O.) We talked about how egos invoke wrath. As for my own, I had pride in appearance. Moments before the car wreck, I looked in the mirror admiring my shaggy hair and backwards hat, while endangering lives. An abrupt and direct example of God humbling the proud with the wreck and scar. This applied inwardly as well as created fear and intimidation in me in regards to others. Another example is I used to brag about having cheated on every girlfriend I had. Then one came along that showed some interest, but was repelled by my energy. The negativity, pride and jealousy especially. She exposed me for the fraud I was. Humble yourself or God or someone else will. There is a vast difference between cocky and a confidence bestowed by God that comes through humility.

Years of psychological suffering from all of my transgressions have taught me humility. And today, The scar on my arm is just a conversation piece.

Gluttony

My parents and I were discussing some of these things at dinner the other night, when Mom asked me what I thought triggered the excessive drinking starting at age 15. In doing some digging I realized I was an addicted little boy. Not to a substance to start, but a misdirected fear for people. Neediness and Clinginess. Anxious attachment. I remember being nervous calling a girlfriend in junior high. I went back even further, all the way to 4th grade. I recalled laying in bed before falling asleep and thinking obsessively about what I wanted to say the next day at school to a girl I had a crush on. I was 9. Just a child and already placing fear in the wrong place and breaking my own heart. Nothing wrong with planning a conversation. But, I was obsessive about it, creating fear. Then in high school, having started drinking, I would almost always be drinking, especially around girlfriends, trying to calm my nerves. And when you pile on all the mess I've been talking about, the fear had developed to the point where I was terrified of people. To think I ever had a chance in 2010 with such an extreme level of anxiety is laughable. To blame someone else for my anxiety is absurd. The circumstance demands accountability. If you are the anxious type, this is the kind of introspection that may be helpful in revealing where you gave a person or circumstance too much energy. Alcohol numbed the anxiety I had imposed on myself and I indulged almost daily, ever since sophomore year in high school. Gluttony is a distraction to silence a pain that must be cured through introspection and inner work. 

Sloth

As a recluse, I was sloth. There is a story in the bible about a master that gave each of his servants talents. One of the servants buried his talents and did not multiply them, displeasing the master. Every time we worry, obsess and focus on any kind of drama, we put a person over our purpose. The same goes with overindulgence in entertainment. The misery that we feel is us doing nothing with your talents, wasting time on things we cannot control. Our unproductive thought is our misery. Drama drains our energy. Our purpose builds it. Our pain is God telling us to do something with our life. He has given us the most powerful machine that exists. The mind. Use it productively. Analyze your thoughts. Every time I drift into unproductive thought, I refocus on my purpose. In creating this website, my shadow, the drama, the past has never been more quiet. 

Lust

Addicted to porn and sex for years, heavily amplified when intoxicated, the physical acts of lust weighed on my conscience. Believe whatever you want. But, at this point, it's safe to say I'm extremely familiar with the emotion of guilt and it's sources. 

Before I ended up praying in 2010, in my desperation, I googled "how to get laid" and got a packet in the mail. Look at the intent. It wasn't "how to find love". Lust is misdirected love. While that packet probably had good advice, "Just be yourself" doesn't work when your mind and heart are void of love. If you had a script from the best attraction guru in the world, it would be useless without love. Another objectifying and repulsive trait.

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Bringing all of that to the heartbreak moment in 2010, my pride, envy, wrath, and greed were all triggered when I couldn't get what (who) I wanted. I became sloth dwelling on the situation, pouting as a supposed victim of mistreatment. I turned to lust (porn/sex) and gluttony (alcohol) to silence the pain but, it always just returned louder. 

The examples above are just a few of a thousand I could use. It's blatantly obvious to see how ugly, toxic, broken, trust-breaking, obsessive, selfish and hateful the sins are. Our most valuable asset in life is our relationships. Sin destroyed every friendship I had. It is the source of our pain/ depression/ anxiety. We have earned these feelings with our thoughts and actions. Through wisdom and clarity it's hindsight reveals how destructive sin is.

I made an acronym for the sins: P.L.A.G.U.E.S. (substituting ungratefulness for greed and anger for wrath). When you feel pain, check it. 

Give it to God (repent).

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Your heartbroken moment gives you the same choice I had. It happened. It's over. You can either view this experience, as many do, as your greatest curse or apply gratitude and decide it is your greatest blessing. It can continue to be your enslavement or you can let it be your freedom. The experience is just the mirror, the teacher. You can keep going down that dark, dead end road or you can let God start to lift it off of you. If you hadn't experienced it now, when? Be glad that it happened so you can draw a line in the sand and say "I will never go back to that place again." Your new life starts right now. I'm thankful everything hit the fan at a young age, 22, where I found God and allowed Him in to start the healing process. I was a scared little boy. God began making me a man. Addiction may have thwarted my growth initially, but it also led me to the stoicism, serenity and inner work chapter, which has been my greatest blessing. God using bad for good again. Now at 38, finally developing emotional security and stability, there is hope. Maybe you can save yourself 16 years. You can look up stoicism, attachment theory, a step program and start the inner work now. And pray. Before you can ever hope for a partner, you have to be able to live with yourself, by yourself. And with God. He is always with us. More than that, He is a coach, delivering wisdom.

 Focus on virtue. The seven sins inverted are the seven cardinal virtues; humility, charity, chastity, patience, temperance, kindness and diligence. Another powerful virtue to practice is gratitude. We aren't entitled to our next breath, let alone all the luxuries we have in our lives, or some fantasized relationship. And acceptance. When you truly have acceptance, you will have peace. Learn detachment. It is a return to independence. It removes blame and restores personal accountability. Detachment from the approval or validation of others restores your self-worth. Seek approval from God. Suffering comes from attachment to expectation of an outcome. Detach from outcomes and return to the moment.

Thoughts are formed by neurological pathways that grow stronger from repetition. Our thought patterns are grooves. Familiar thoughts are easier to access, even if they are based in untruths, in delusions, in fantasy. Spiritual and psychological cleansing is a process. You can't fix in a day what you've spent your entire life, or at least years, breaking. The way out is not a paved road. It is a jungle. You will have to carve your way through to a new way of thinking.

11-16-2025: Ultimately, there is one thing that's sets the pace. In too many cases to mention over the past few months, like when I figured out the B.A.D. approach, I'll be having a doubtful moment. Then I pray and God gives me the answer. This particular evening, the shadow, the shame, guilt and regret was hitting me hard. I was listening to a talk on Youtube that led me to a revelation. As I'm dwelling on the past and the drama, I said, "I give my heart to Jesus". The pain gradually evaporated. When we've exhausted every avenue of personal growth and inner work possible there are some things that only He can lift off of us with his forgiveness.

11-28: I was listening to an audio about attachment styles with a bit of conflicting advice, allowing indecision and doubt to creep in, when I had the thought, doesn't it make sense to just be love no matter what? 

11-30: For three days, I was putting the background of this story together while smoking weed about every hour. It was easy enough to reproduce what happened 15 years ago. But, from Thanksgiving Thursday through Sunday, when more creativity became required in how I wanted to communicate what I've learned recently, I hit a wall. A creative barrier. A conflict of conscience. I would take notes on my phone of some things to say but, avoided my computer, where I write. I wasn't feeling it. Smoking weed can inspire some creative thought but, as with any drug, when it wears off, you need more to stave off the come down. As the high wears off a mental fog sets in, at least for me. I knew getting high was coming to an end. After I would smoke, I would say to God, "Hit me with it". As in, give me the message on smoking. With just a pinch of weed left, He hit me with it. It was a day of the shadow. It was almost paralysis. A reminder of that night in 2010. I just wanted to fall asleep and get the day over with. I've been smoking weed for 23 years and have never been hit this hard with the come down. Waking up sober, with clarity of mind and conscience, I worked on the site for 10 hours straight. This is my official sobriety date. I also woke up with the thought "Forget they ever existed". Whether it be the past, a person, an addiction or some other circumstance that is not in your control, you can let go. If it's a person, let go of the fantasy you have created about them.

Addiction:

Addiction lives within the walls of depression. If you can do the inner work on depression, addiction goes with it. Substance abuse is just a symptom, a band-aid on a wound that requires psychological surgery. Ingesting toxins that I know are not good for me I call voluntary purgatory, because it invites a cloud, guilt into the conscience, corrupting it. With God's help, learning stoic principles, confronting my shadow, working the steps, taking a moral inventory, making amends and practicing virtue, as of 12/10/2025 and the posting of this website,  I am exactly 100 days since my last drink and 10 days since I smoked weed. I have no craving for either, especially when I play the tape out, which ends in a clouded conscience and many times with my face in a trash can, sick. I don't judge anyone that partakes. I did for 23 years. I am free without it.  

Around 2013, I didn't drink for about a year. In the last year and a half I've been sober for 4 months twice and have some time sober now 

(alcohol 9-1-25, weed 12-1-25).

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12-1: After working on this project all day, the shadow crept up on me again. As usual, I prayed something like, "What do you want me to do" or "What's the lesson". The shadow grew to the point where I thought "I'm just a fraud, typing all this stuff up to help people when I'm still not right." After maybe an hour, I realized it was something that I had already learned, which was, "I give my heart to Jesus". Again, I found peace. He wanted me to tell you about this one twice... Pain and suffering is part of this process. Some type of shadow would come over me. Then I would pray and God would show me the light, the answer. Spiritual cleansing is a roller coaster of emotions that God uses to portray to you what leads to pain and what leads to peace.

12-12: At some point after quitting drinking the last time, I would smoke a cigarette to "remind myself" of hangovers, a strategy to dissuade me from drinking (there are better substitutes, like exercise). The effects of a cigarette I would compare to 1% of the discomfort of a hangover. I call them fart darts as they can inspire an upset stomach, flatulence and diarrhea, along with lightheadedness and headaches. I was feeling the cloud in my conscience from the previous cigarette and decided to have another one when I told God again to "Hit me with it". Within seconds this was my thought.- We can give our heart to Satan and the things of this world or we can give our heart to Jesus.

12-15:  We, as humans, love the darkness. I wasn't quite through with cigarettes. Then it happened again. I always thought my last cigarette would be before bed. I would just refrain from lighting one up the next day. This was mid-afternoon. The cloud came and hit me hard. A mini depression. It only lasted an hour or two. Now the cigarettes are done. It's like I'm going through a conscience cleansing assembly line. It's incredible. The other runs of sobriety over the last year and a half were more of a result of willpower than inner work. There was a finality to it this time introducing an incredible sense of freedom.

12-16: Feelings of anxious attachment when going to bed. Here where are again where more than anything I just wanted peace. I just kept my focus on Jesus. I woke up feeling deliverance. A friend of mine sends me a bible verse every morning. This was the verse from that morning. "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." Proverbs 14:30. 

12/20: Went to confession. Every day at this point is another level of peace and freedom that I didn't know was possible. I am grateful for it. I'm excited to level up again tomorrow.

12/21: Sure enough. A level up... Demons are relentless. Many of these moments occur at night. This time the cloud hit me in the morning. I was thinking, "When will it ever stop." What do I have to do to stop the pain and attachment. Wanting to just shut up the spiritual noise, alcohol, weed and cigarettes crossed my mind. But, I reminded myself of the guilt it would bring. Then I opened up an app I recently downloaded called Relatio. A section that I hadn't looked at yet was called "Coping with Stress and Anxiety." In here, I found two breathing techniques. The "Mindfulness Breathing Exercise" and "The Bhramari Breathing Technique". Finishing these I felt more centered, grounded, calm, at peace and having more clarity than ever before. The shame, guilt, anger etc. subsided and I have another tool for peace. It hadn't been since 2010, when I read  Zen Heart that I had done any breathing exercise and had forgotten it's power to heal and clear the mind. 

(In this same app, a few days earlier, I had gone through  "Your Complete Guide to a Healthy Relationship".  I had already been studying attachment styles, but went through it's "Attachment Styles in Relationships" and found a chart that showed me the traits of each attachment style. Great information in this app.)

12/21 (cont.) I think the script of the movie Se7en is ingenious. The ending scene of the movie is something that could not have been originally planned by the "messenger" due to how things unfolded. Although, he obviously had been planning his acts with precise timing, made apparent by the sloth victim. God asks of us to do His work without knowing the end of the story. A month ago, I knew it was time to start this project. Since starting it the following events have taken place. I had the "be love" moment. I had the 2nd occurrence of giving my heart to Jesus. I quit smoking weed. I quit smoking cigarettes. I rediscovered the gift of breathing meditation. The message going into this was about finding peace because of the peace I had already attained. But, it just keeps getting better. 

12/24/25- I decided to add the line "It's time to confront the emotions and sins you've been running from" in the first paragraph in the depression section. But, whenever I would click save and publish, half of the sentence kept cutting off. I couldn't figure out what was happening. I reloaded the website builder and kept trying 6/7 times and got frustrated to the point of having some language with the software/ site builder. Then I realized what I was trying to type. "It's time to confront the emotions and sins you've been running from". I just started laughing. The anger was immediately replaced by joy. Turns out the text box had reached a character limit. Anger accomplishes nothing. Again, not only is it a waste of time, it drains your energy. Be joyous instead.

I shared this ironic moment with family at the Christmas Eve gathering and ended up talking to my uncle who has 38 years sober. He shared with me that the more you realize your dependence on God, the greater independence, spiritual freedom, you achieve. 

12/25/25- Being Christmas, I was waiting for the bomb to drop all day. The signs just keep pouring in. Surely, God would give me one on his birthday. It seemed like nothing big was coming, albeit it was a great day with family. But, by the time I drove home from the gathering an incredible feeling of hope was taking over. A pure calmness. The greatest joy, hope, peace and love yet. It is the relief from pain that I've been praying for. I'm the one that dug myself into that pain. Deliverance from that pain is a gift bestowed by God in his timing. The greatest Christmas present I've ever received.

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It wasn't until I had already come up with the SykoLover name and written most of this article that I actually looked up the definition of psychosis. Bipolar mood swings, stress, depression, paranoia, substance abuse, hallucinations. I may not have been hallucinating but close, I was delusional. Psychotic is a perfect description of what I was. A product of unexamined thought. This was my reality before I asked for God's help.  I think it is safe to say I have practically gone through exorcism in this process. My conscience has been awakened. My sanity restored. God granted me wisdom to put everything into perspective. How sin leads to pain and suffering and virtue leads to joy and peace. The past, the fantasy, the attachment, the depression and anxiety may resurface but, I have the resources to handle them. The money comes and goes. People come and go. Everything pales in comparison to eternity in heaven. God loves us and wants to be in relationship with us.

I'm no biblical scholar. I'm 1/3 of the way through a bible in a year podcast I started 2 years ago. I never pursued a higher power out of my own curiosity. In fact, just a few weeks before I prayed the third time in 2010, I scoffed and laughed at a commercial that told me to "Receive Jesus". This is the ultimate form of pride. Now I pray all day long. So, the way it played out, "First I mocked Jesus, then I gave my heart to Him." 

My goal here was not to be a preacher but instead, a reporter.  Not to push a belief system on you, but just tell you what happened. I experienced a spiritual and psychological transformation. Outside of the alibi of the friends I had leading up to my darkness, who understandably no longer associate with me, the only proof of the change I've experienced is intangible. It is a memory of the misery that my life was, transformed into a life of peace today. From completely heartbroken to significantly healed. Every day the past, the drama, the shadow fades a little bit more, and I grow more in touch with the present, with reality, with gratitude, with love. There comes a point in this progression of conscientiousness when the vices fall off and the pain, guilt and doubt flee. The irrelevant nonsense and drama fall away. Then profound and pure joy, peace and love fill your heart and mind. But, only if you firmly commit to prayer, meditation, introspection and trust the process,

Sin led me to a dead end, a rock bottom. I hit a limit. Virtue is unending. Every day my patience, humility and love grow deeper.

Attention is currency. Guard your energy. Remove the drama. Detach. Be grateful. Have acceptance. Live in the moment. Smile. It's hard to be negative with a smile on your face. At some point you have to figure out how to have fun. Nobody wants to be around depression. I know that's kind of like saying, just stop being depressed. But, with the tools I've discussed here, I achieved it. So can you. First, you must believe.

Reality over fantasy

The present over the past

Introspection over substance

Independence over dependence

Freedom over obsession

Conflict resolution over drama

A contemplative response over an emotional reaction

Prayer and Virtue over sin

Love over fear

These are choices free will allows us to make

Satan promises easy but delivers nothing except pain. Choosing God is intentional. Living intentionally leads to Joy, Peace and Love. He delivers these promises:

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."

From AA's Big Book, chapter 6

The very act of writing this out has proved to be therapeutic, allowing perspective, reflection and further growth. A kind of confession referring to step 4 of the Oxford steps. Something I would recommend, even if it's just for you.

Lou Gehrig gave a speech in which he called himself the "Luckiest man alive", talking about how grateful he was for his family and to play baseball for a living and rub shoulders with some of the greats. I think back to how evil I was, living life completely backwards. If it had ended when it could have, that day on the highway especially, I don't think my judgment would have gone well. Through God's grace, my metamorphosis, learning gratitude and coming to realize that life is not something we are entitled to, but a gift, there's no luck about it. I consider myself the most blessed man alive today. Hopefully I can pay it forward with the things I've learned. I hope you found something here that helps. 

People don't break your heart. Sin does. The pain is just the mirror, the teacher, the lesson that led you to your new life. When I gave my heart to Jesus, I stopped needing validation from people and my past was forgiven. Those were the sources of my depression. When that was lifted off me, so was the need for substances. He healed my addictions. He healed my fears. He healed the worst of my character flaws. He healed my anxious attachment. There is nothing an avoidant or anyone else can do to hurt me. No human completes me. God does. My Syko conscience has been purified and the pain that was hatred in my heart has been transformed into Love through the redemption of Jesus.

Thank you to Jen, Brian, Don, my parents, brother and extended family, and everyone with the Life organization for your encouragement and for putting up with me. Special thanks to my parents and Joe and Tracy for your feedback on this.

1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues of men, but have not love, I am a clanging cymbal. If I have prophetic powers, all knowledge, faith to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. Love is patient and kind: it is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. It is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all thing, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

1-1-26 Love is not concerned with the past and does not create a fantasy about the future. It is not anxious or depressed because it is fulfilled by itself. It is not entitled to anything. It doesn't need anyone or anything. It lives in the present, in the moment, with complete joy and peace. Love is heaven on earth.

1-6-26 I removed all dating apps and facebook. Detachment from past relationships, fake friends, expectations, and everyone that ignored me about the future of business. It felt like my peace and freedom multiplied by 10. January 6- instead of storming the capital thinking that's going to fix anything, I'm storming my purpose, bringing a website to people to influence spiritual and psychological freedom and a product to people that will influence financial freedom, allowing people to pursue purpose instead of a paycheck.

1-10-26 A simple reminder that an effective way of silencing the sin/ drama/ shadow is to actively pursue virtue, like kindness, patience and gratitude.

Today is the worst day of the rest of my life because, I'm only getting better. 🤣

Ryan B

Broke:

https://www.twitch.tv/sykolover/about